Coops asked me to write a match report and I found this just lying in Menzies' bag.

Dear Channel 5,

Kross Sticks is this year's smash hit new television drama following the fortune of the Kambridge Kingfishers 2^nd XI. For the show's premise, think a combination of Game of Thrones, Faulty Towers and the X-factor. Presented here is the initial storyboard for the show's pilot episode. This could be the biggest thing on TV ever! All characters and places are my own creations and not based on any person or place and all details are completely fictional.

Dramatis personae (this means the people who are in the thing)

Scene 1 – A dark, windy, rainy Tuesday evening training session.

The camera pans in from an aerial shot showing the flood lights rocking in the wind as the rain pours down. The camera then focuses on Annsy tracking a marauding 1^st team player. He puts in a thumping challenge and passes off to a team mate who is immediately robbed of the ball, and another player is bearing down on Annsy. The player tries to lift it over his stick but once again Annsy calmly intercepts the ball and clears it to a team mate. Again his team lose the ball and the ball is smashed towards an attacker in the D (this bloke needs to be massive and dead hard – is Mike Tyson interested in a cameo?) who turns and smashes the ball to the top corner of the goal. With no regard to his personal safety, Annsy flings himself towards the attacker and takes a brutal hit to the face saving a certain goal. As he lies prone on the pitch thunder and lightening strike: the camera changes to his point of view to see his team mates crowd over him as the screen slowly blurs and fades to black.

Scene 2 – Menzies’ walk home.

Menzies is slowly walking down the street towards his house. He is soaked to the skin (to get a better rating from female viewers). He mutters to himself, 'It was only training, why did you have to be such a hero?' His wife sees him from the window and comes to meet him with a towel and cup of tea. It is clear she is concerned but obviously does not understand the gravity of the situation as she coaxes him inside.

Scene 3 – Coops' house

Coops is on the phone. He exclaims, “What do you mean he has pneumonia and can't play?” The phone is slammed down angrily. First Anns, then a load of ridiculous holidays, now this. Can people not realise we have a promotion to win? He is torn but decides it is time for the last resort. He reluctantly picks his phone back up, scrolls down to a particular name, takes a deep breath, then taps the word 'Jan'.

Scene 4 – Dugout just before the 1^st half.

Chaos is the scene as our heroes try to organise themselves for the game. Manny is explaining, with the aid of a white board, the team's formation and tactics for the game. The white board is festooned with complicated mathematics, including calculus, fluid dynamics and chemical formulae. The few players paying attention just nod, smile and look confused as he drones on. Coops is looking for his shin pads (this will be a theme throughout the series as every episode Coops will lose one important item, e.g. his shoes, shirt, jacket, teamsheet, kitty etc). The umpire blows the whistle for the game to begin, Manny complains he is not done – everyone else is relieved. Menzies has just sat there, covered up in a duvet looking ill. Coops scrounges some battered shin pads out of Chalky's bag.

Scene 5 – the 1^st half

Cue hockey montage. The game is close. Kambridge give as good as they get in an end-to-end game. Clips of big hits being fired down the pitch from the back are prevalent from both sides. The Saint makes some saves. Hollidge has some runs down the right hand side but they come to nothing. Seeing his team struggle, Menzies liberally smears some Vicks on himself (ideal product placement opportunity). Cue another montage - this one concentrates on Manny, Walshy and MH driving the ball through midfield, taking the game to the opposition. Stan Bush's You Got the Touch plays in the background as South string together some impressive passing moves. It ends with James Mathews getting a touch to a ball fired in and deflecting it into the goal.

South are now well on top but cannot seem to pass the Petterbora stopper, who makes a string of spectacular saves. Menzies then also gets a goal, neatly playing the ball through the keeper's legs.

Chalk, struggling with his inner demons, then gets the ball on the 23 and dribbles towards the D. Around the screen as he moves in, faint flashing images surround him as his imagination sees his replacement. He takes it into the D, wondering what his rival would do and lines up a reverse stick lob as the keeper rushes towards him. Use slow motion for this bit. As the keeper charges forward, Chalk is barged by first one defender then another. He slips completely, missing his scoop and ends up hitting the ball instead. His tomahawk fires upwards in a high arc, as the defenders and keeper are left arching their backs to look towards the sky, helpless as the ball strikes the net in the top right hand corner of the goal. The flashing images disappear and the speed returns to normal as he and his team mates celebrate the 3^rd goal. NONE OF THEM see this as a fluke and NONE OF THEM vote him lemon for this. Unfortunately the defence are so impressed by this they let a goal in as a Petterbora player waltzes straight down the middle. The half time whistle goes with Kambridge dejectedly walking of the pitch.

Scene 6 – Half time

The team huddle in the dugout over the camera. Coops states that they are doing well. Someone, probably JT, jokes 'Annsy who?' They chuckle. Oven stands on Manny's white board to prevent its use and gives a speech – keep it up, use the right more, score more, blah, blah, blah etc.

Scene 7 – the 2^nd half

Cue another montage. However Petterbora start hard, the Saint is forced to make some more saves and the defenders' tackling is highlighted in the footage. South begin to take control again and the action shifts to the opposing half. However some big hits are coming in (could we splice in some American Football and edit it to look like hockey?) Several players tumble to the ground; Manny in particular is unceremoniously dumped on his behind a couple of times. I Get Knocked Down But I Get Up Again plays in the background. There is lots of shouting - cue several scenes of the umpires whistling and giving numerous free hits against Kambridge.

At last Kambridge win a shortie. Close up of Coops: he gives a nod; Chalk, from the injector spot, nods back. The ball is fired out, stopped by Mario, then fired back to the near post. Chalk deflects the ball into…the defender on the line's path, who puts a size 10 on to it. Note to the camera crew, it must be clear that from his position one yard in front of the goal that this shot is moving in the opposite direction towards the top of the D, not actually at the goal so the audience is not confused as to why it is not a penalty flick. Also try to find a way to make it look like the foot was accidental. You will need your best editing team on this one.

This giver Petterbora a new lease of life and they dominate the closing stages but the Rug, JT, Coops and Hollidge keep them out and the final whistle goes.

Scene 8 – the club house

The camera pans in from an aerial view of a club house. It goes through the changing room (got to compete with HBO). Kambridge celebrate the win. Pints, jacket potatoes and baked beans are in evidence. Walshy is announced man of the match and there are only a few moans when he sticks 'beauty and the beat' on the juke box. The hockey seems to have cured Menzies. The Petterbora ladies 1^st team were so impressed, they decide to start supporting Kambridge and give them two plates full of cakes to celebrate their triumph.

Scene 9 – A hospital

Annsy wakes up to see his team mates around him. 'I had the strangest dream that you won without me. Of course there was no real skill or flare. Cannot wait for Saturday!' A nurse walks in, clears everyone out and draws the curtain as she pulls out a sponge. Annsy grins. The credits role.

I have organised James Menzies, writer and potential star of the show, to host a Q&A about the show. Please leave your comments below. He is particularity interested in who could play the remaining characters. He will answer all the questions at 7pm tomorrow.