Dear EasyJet,

Concerning Booking Ref: LOST32

I am writing this letter to complain about the frankly miserable and degrading experience inflicted on me by your pitiful excuse of an airline during the weekend of 6th January. My flight from Glasgow to Stansted on Friday evening was delayed by four hours, causing me considerable stress and melancholy in the build-up to one of the biggest weekends of the year. The insulting £3 food voucher I was given as compensation was only sufficient to buy me half a pint of flat lager, not even 1/10th of the quota required to negotiate the wretchedness of Glasgow International’s departures lounge. If you’ve ever been to Glasgow, you’ll know that leaving promptly is a high priority for most. Furthermore, Wisbech away is a massive game and sleep the night before is necessary for optimal performance.

As I’m sure your customer services team are aware, East Division 4 North West is an incredibly competitive league. One does not simply waltz up to Wisbech after two weeks of heavy drinking and stuffed bird munching and then drive home with three points. In fact, one actually sits on a single-carriage road behind a tractor for an hour and a half before being given the run around by a very decent outfit on a surface resembling a coal miner's poker table and sent home with nil point.

Wisbech started the game at a much higher intensity than South and some very nice-looking and effective hockey soon had them one-nil up. Starting games slowly is a worrying characteristic that has reared its ugly visage a few times this season. Perhaps it’s time for the homo-erotic warm ups from pre-season to return? After the lacklustre opening, South continued to be poor and spent considerable time back-tracking, defending and giving the ball away. A succession of Wisbech scoring opportunities were either missed or steered away from goal by a few superb (and becoming vintage) saves from Big Daz (MoM) in net. As the first half progressed, South started to gain marginally more influence in the game and actually played some hockey in the opposition’s half, with one particularly memorable chance courtesy of Manny skinning about five players before forgetting to shoot into the open net and eventually running off the pitch. Half time arrived and whilst there were some positive signs in passages of play, the biggest positive was that we were only one-nil down and were still well in the game.

The second half was brighter for South and a much more evenly matched contest. There were some very good spells of possession with slick passing around the back four and some good attacks launched via the puppetry of Menzies and power hitting of Coops. Chances were created and momentum was gathering. A short corner was won which went regulation Menzies far post, via the guest appearance of Harry Chalk, and South are only bloody back in the game. The jubilation however was rather short lived as not long afterwards Wisbech restored their lead for two-one.

An intense period of end-to-end stuff followed with some excellent hockey from both sides. South pushing hard for an equaliser with Wisbech creating chances of their own at the other end. One of these was magnificently manufactured by yours truly getting robbed of possession on the twenty-three, which Wisbech dutifully converted. Three-one down. Kenz, you mug. We fought back well after this considerable blow once again. Manny and Chalky combined beautifully along with Engine (steam blowing off him) powering through the centre to win another short. Manny received the ball at the top of the D, spent thirty seconds looking around for who to pass to and when Wisbech decided it was best not to close him down he simply slapped it in the bottom left corner. Three-two. Is there light at the end of the tunnel yet? The game progressed at the same high-octane pace for the last five or six minutes. South pushed hard and it was a credit to the side that everyone kept their cool and no-one got green carded for mouthing off at the umpire. Unfortunately, South couldn’t manage another equaliser and Wisbech got over the line to take all three points and cement themselves as serious title contenders.

There were many complimentary comments concerning the Wisbech teas, with Anns only wishing that a funnel had been provided for the grated cheese. Apparently NBM (LoM) doesn’t like beans but was sufficiently fuelled up to perform a sausage autopsy and disappointed to find only sausage meat inside.

In summary, as a long-term client of EasyJet I am extremely disappointed with your customer service. Whilst it was great to see all the lads again after the Winter break and a proud moment to hear that another team mate will soon fall into the merciless trap of marriage (just have kids and wait to die now, mate) if you were going to delay my flight by four hours then you could have at least had the decency to cancel it altogether so I didn’t have to bother trekking all the way up to Wisbech to come home without the bacon. I paid the frankly extortionate sum of £19.50 for the flight I had originally booked and nothing less than an all expenses paid weekend in Ibiza for the entire squad will keep me from seeing you in court.

Yours incandescently,

Dr M Kenzie