1 - 1

Man of the match

Tom Rosselli

A defensive rock. The flat stick of Thor.

Lemon of the match

Simon Cooper

Didn't fancy the last 2 minutes.

Dom Reeve

"That's me injured for the rest of the match," said the right back. Seen minutes later marauding around in the forward line.

'We're Going on a City Hunt' by Michael Rosen

Tom Anns

Before our journey may begin, dear listener, you must first be aware of its source, its origin, its genesis…


As defined my Wikipedia itself:

We're Going on a Bear Hunt is a 1989 children's picture book written by Michael Rosen and illustrated by Helen Oxenbury. It has won numerous awards and was the subject of a Guinness World Record for "Largest Reading Lesson" with a book-reading attended by 1,500 children, and an additional 30,000 listeners online, in 2014.

For those unaware of such a tale, the parenthesised link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gyI6ykDwds) will showcase the narrative for you, although it is strongly advised that you question, not only your upbringing, but your childhood as a whole if you find yourself in a position where this is required.


Now that you are acquainted with the chronicle, dear listener, we may begin our own adventure:


‘We’re Going on a City Hunt- with author’s commentary’ by Michael Rosen.


We’re going on a City hunt*.

We’re going to make it a big one.

What a beautiful day**!

We’re not scared***.

*No foxes were harmed during the event- this was kept merely to keep the narrative as close to the original as possible.

**It genuinely was a beautiful day as showcased by Harry Lewis’ pre match attire of flip flops and shorts and Simon Cooper’s of newly bought sunglasses (post girlfriend’s attempt to overhaul his wardrobe calamity) and tartan shorts (pre girlfriend’s attempt to overhaul his wardrobe calamity).  It was complete contrast to the original match date on which it snowed.

***I wouldn’t say that they ‘weren’t’ scared: they hadn’t played in several weeks and several of the ‘leadership team’ had pained looks on their faces amid claims that they had been sandpapering their balls in order to gain an advantage (and in the case of Chris Walsh, this led to him being unavailable for the fixture).


Uh-uh!

Changing rooms!

Closed, locked changing rooms.

We can’t go in them.

We can’t go next to them.

Oh no!

We’ve got to just hold it*.

Tense or through the fence! Tense or through the fence! Tense or through the fence!

*Figuratively.


We’re going on a City hunt.

We’re going to make it a big one.

What a beautiful day!

We’re not scared.

It should be noted that the match had started at this point.

It should also be noted that the first twenty-or-so minutes have not been acknowledged in this recount. This is down to two key reasons:

1.  I have already realised that this early point that I have bitten off more than I can chew with this style of match report and am only really willing to go into detail on fairly niche aspects of the game- this will become more apparent as the narrative unfurls.

2.  City had the better start and this report is for the South website, not theirs.


Uh-uh!

A short corner!

An attacking but Menziesless* short corner.

We can’t sub him on for it**.

We can’t just hit it***.

*Young James Menzies was the usual target off short corners but he was in the middle of a twenty minute breather after ‘running a bit’ in the first five.

**It’s against the rules and as mentioned above, he was tired- the ‘sunburn’ that he acquired during the match did oddly disappear an hour or so after the final whistle.

***This had not proved a fruitful option throughout the season.


Oh no!

We’ve got to do it*.

Slappy deflecty! Slappy deflecty! Slappy deflecty**!

*Inject: Cooper. Stop: Anns. Slap: Mann. Deflect: ______.

**Oli Lamming deflected the ball neatly over the line and into the backboard: 0-1.

It should be noted at this point that half-time happened and it was hot.


We’re going on a City hunt.

We’re going to make it a big one.

What a beautiful day!

We’re not scared.

Uh-uh!

A tantrum*!

A ‘you’ve got a bin for a heart’**, ‘why is no-one else as wound up as us?’ tantrum.

We can’t stop it.

We aren’t childish enough to join it***.

*Dominic Reeve and similarly hot-headed individual from the City side had a little strop with each other.

**A light chuckle at recent sporting news from the wider world of sport for you- I feel as an author that it is important to stay on top of current affairs and find innovative ways to weave them in alongside more traditional structures.

***There were a couple of younger players amongst the teams and one of did actually apologise for his adult team mate’s behaviour at this point.


_______________________________________________________________________

Did you know?

Dominic Reeve substituted himself off as he was injured only to bring himself back on as forward mere minutes later.

_______________________________________________________________________


Oh no!

We’ve got to just watch it.

Fiery handbaggy! Fiery handbaggy! Fiery handbaggy!

We’re going on a City hunt.

We’re going to make it a big one*.

What a beautiful day!

We’re not scared.

*For the sake of a cohesive account, I am stating that a one-goal win is in fact ‘a big one’.


Uh-uh!

A short corner!

A tiring, defensive short corner.

We can’t just read it.

We can’t just block it*.

*The original shot was cleared off the line by Tom Anns…although this went straight to an opposing forward.


Oh no!

We’ve got to double save it*.

Reboundy hitty! Reboundy hitty! Reboundy hitty**!

*Simon Cooper did give a valiant effort to save the second shot on the line…although it still went in.

**A City forward hit the rebound in (regardless of the need to continue with the structure and rhyme of each line, this is often referred to as a ‘reboundy hitty’).


We’re going on a City hunt.

We’re going to make it a big one*.

What a beautiful day!

We’re not scared**.

*For the sake of a cohesive account, I am stating that a draw is in fact ‘a big one’.

**South may not have been scared at this point but they were all starting to show signs of the James Menzies’ ‘sunburn’/were puffing out of their @%*$s.


Uh-uh!

City pressure!

Last minute, City pressure.

We can’t ignore it.

We can’t defend it*.

*We could have defended it.


Oh no!

The skipper is trying to take care of it.

Fouly kicky! Fouly kicky! Fouly kicky*!

*Simon Cooper was carded at this point for breaking down the City attack/maliciously fouling them and kicking the ball away.


WHAT’S THAT?

One shrill whistle.

Three exhausted cheers.

Many sweaty handshakes.

Quick!

Back over the match in the clubhouse!

Back over the pre-match issues!

Tense or through the fence! Tense or through the fence! Tense or through the fence!

Back over Oli’s goal!

Slappy deflecty! Slappy deflecty! Slappy deflecty!

Back over Dom’s wrestle!

Fiery handbaggy! Fiery handbaggy! Fiery handbaggy!

Back over City’s goal!

Reboundy hitty! Reboundy hitty! Reboundy hitty!

Back over Coops’ green card!

Fouly kicky! Fouly kicky! Fouly kicky!

Get to the end of the season.

Start thinking of a Jan-email-free summer*.

Oh no!

We forgot about the league table.

Back into hockey mode.

Back to the results page.

Back to the league table.

Third place**.

It looks like we are going to have to go on a City hunt again.

*Jan sends a lot of emails- the phrase 'too many' has been bandied around.

**An improvement on the two previous seasons and with the best defensive record in the league (as well as 5NW and 3NW).


And that, dear listener, is where we will leave the gentlefolk of Cambridge South Men’s Seconds. We hope that you will venture with us again next year, dear listener, and delve further into the harrowing depths and fly with us to uppermost heights of the perilous Division 4 North West.


n.b. Michael Rosen may not have played any part in the writing of the above portrayal.

n.b. Other things did happen in this match.



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